My heart hurts.  It hurts every.single.day.  It never really stops....  It just depends on the day.  Some days I wake up, the sun is shining and for a little bit I forget about the pain.  You're still gone... and I know that you are still gone... but in that moment I'm okay.  Not happy, not sad, just... okay.   Other mornings, I wake up, the sun is still shining, the birds are chirping,  but today I don't forget about the pain.  Today, I can't stop thinking about the fact that you are gone and that I will never see you again. Today, I am thinking about the fact that I haven't seen you in nine months.  In nine months I haven't received a text from you, haven't seen a tweet from you, or an instagram post, or a snapchat of you singing in the car like you're beyonce.  All of the things I would see every single day, and think nothing of because I never would have imagined that shortly, I would never see any more ever again. It's just not right.  I try with everything that I am to believe that everything happens for a reason... and that God has a plan.  But I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that God's plan was for you to leave this earth so soon.  And what hurts the most is that there was no warning.  It's not like you were ill, or that you were hurt, where as I could see you and prepare myself for the life-long pain I was about to endure.  It's just that one day I was with you, and the next you were gone.... forever.  How in the hell was I EVER going to be prepared for that?  I just want to hold you.  I want to wrap my arms around you and never stop telling you how much I love you.  But then again, didn't you know?  How did you not know how much I loved you?  I would have done anything for you.   I would have gotten you help.  I would have held your hand every day for the rest of your life and never let go if you needed me to.  I just wish I knew... I wish I knew how seriously you were hurting. Now my world consists of what if's and if onlys..... and it shouldn't.  It shouldn't be like this.  I shouldn't have to live my life for you.... I shouldn't have to do everything in memory of you.... you should be here on this earth doing it yourself.  But you're not.  And no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how many hours I spend looking at our texts, scrolling through our pictures, and thinking of signs I wish I would have seen then, you are never going to come back.  And I guess I am going to have to live with that.  Do I want to?  Do I want to live with the fact that my best friend killed herself and I am never going to see her again?  Fuck no.  But I'm going to have to.  And until we meet again, I'm going to have days where I am okay, and days where I am not.  And there is nothing I can do to change that.  Just know that you are my heart... and no matter how many years pass you will ALWAYS be.  I love you with all that I am.  Watch over me... I love you xoxo

T.M.V.